4 Steps to Creating More Self-Compassion

Man, the universe has a wicked sense of humor!! I wrote this post on self-compassion last night, with intentions to post it this morning. Well… here’s what actually happened!

What are they? Keep reading.

Many people talk about the importance of self-love; and I agree it is important. However, in my opinion, developing self-compassion is much more important. In fact, I believe there can be no self-love, without first developing self-compassion. Often, it can be difficult to muster up self-love. Maybe you have said something harsh in the heat of the moment. Or perhaps you have disappointed someone you care about. Guilt, and shame raise their ugly heads, and make it hard to love yourself. Self-compassion can be easier to grasp in times where you disappoint yourself.

In order to help you down the path to self-love, here are 4 steps you can take to create self-compassion, when you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. These are steps you can rely on to pull you out of the dumps, and back to brighter days.

1.Be patient with yourself.

There is so much to get done these days. The COVID pandemic may have grounded us somewhat, but it has not lessened the responsibilities we have every day. Despite this, we must learn to take a deep breath, let it out, and take a moment to chill. Being patient means accepting the time frame you find yourself in and deciding to go with the flow. With self-compassion you see time as a blessing, not an adversary. Wherever you THINK you are supposed to be, is obviously not true, otherwise you would be there already. Stay present in the NOW and let the next step fall into place at its own pace.

2.Choose kindness over criticism.

It is EXTREMELY easy to criticize yourself over something you feel you should have done differently. The catch is you are always doing the best you can in that moment. Learn to be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion in your moment of self-critique. Decide to treat yourself with the grace you need in the moment. Find 1 or 2 things, in that moment, that you think are really cool about yourself, and focus on that for a bit. Choose to forgive your shortcomings, as great as you think they may be. Contrary to popular beliefs, you actually learn more from your so-called mistakes than your successes. And most successes come after many missteps on your path to greatness.

3.Comfort and forgive yourself as you would a dear child.

If you think back to your younger self, one who accidentally tripped and spilled grape juice all over the carpet; how would you treat your younger self? Decide to grant yourself the forgiveness and self-love you would give your younger self, simply because you deserve to be forgiven. We often forget that “adult-ing” does not come easy. Those feelings we have when things go badly as a child, do not just go away just because we grow up. We gradually learn to adjust to our feelings more effectively as an adult. That adjustment is hard fought for however, and not always easy to manage. Give yourself the time you need to feel your feelings and know that you will figure out a way to survive and thrive.

4.Accept your greatness.

Realize that you have intrinsic value no matter what. Do not allow people or outside conditions to determine your worth; make it non-negotiable. Why? These words by Madisyn Taylor make it clear: “We are meant to be here to fulfill a particular purpose, a purpose that no one other than us can fulfill. We are all equally, exactly, completely worthy of being here in this life.” When I read this, it struck me in the gut, because this is what I tend to struggle with at times. It is important to remember that our passions are on purpose. Each of us is uniquely created to perform a specific job in life, and it is our duty to do that job to the best of our ability. In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.:

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well’.”

The catch is our best changes from time to time. Just out of residency, in my first year of clinical practice, I received words of wisdom that remember to this day. You are not going to be on your A-game every single day. This is where self-compassion comes into play. On days that you miss that mark, shake it off, get some rest, and try again in the morning. Staying true to and on course with your unique passion does not mean you will have all easy days. It does mean you will live a life that has a positive impact on others. I believe there is a divine plan at hand. More importantly, we may not know how our good deeds impact other people, but they most certainly do.

For example, the great Congressman John Lewis had a profound impact on then Senator Barack Obama. Congressman John Lewis’s “Good Trouble” motivated Senator Barack Obama to become the President of the United States of America as a result of Congressman John Lewis’s “Good Trouble”

In conclusion, the more good we can add to this world, the better off we will all be. So grab a large dose of self-compassion; it will serve you well. And yes, my sink is fixed!

If you would you like more discussions on self-love and self-compassion, check out my book, “The Clever Girl Life: A Teen Guide to Positive Body Image, Self-Confidence, and Life Happiness.”

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